Living the life we're called to
Hey there! After a two year hiatus, I am taking blogging back up. My site has a fresh new look. Super happy with it…thank you, my Love!
So, come along with me. Will you? I would love your company!
Let’s start things off with a bang…I’ve got some pretty big news!!!! No, we’re not pregnant. No, we didn’t get chosen by a birth mom yet.
We did, however get these in the mail today:
Stay tuned for ‘the rest of the story’!!!
Hey, how do you like my facelift? Pretty ‘ME’ don’t ya think?? I am totally excited about it! Brown Eyed Girl never looked so good!
So, It’s been a LONG while since I posted on here…just over 2 years in fact. I was looking back at my story and realized how far I have come. Most of the posts have something to do with PPD. Either recovering from PPD, being pregnant again and fearful of PPD reoccurring or trying to move on from PPD. When I look back, I am amazed at how God used PPD to teach me and change me. On a daily basis, I still hear myself in my head saying, “See you handle that a lot better than you used to.” It’s still a part of the new me that has emerged after the PPD windstorm was over.
PPD was hard. How’s that for an understatement?!? It was the drought. It was the terrible, lonely, hurting, angry time.
Yeah, it’s hard for me to say I am thankful for PPD…I still don’t think I can honestly say that. But it definitely has brought good to my life. Would I willingly go though PPD again. Well…what’s that song my friend Lisa D. is always singing?
That’s What I’ll Be Willing To Do
There’s a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And it whispers draw closer to me
Leave this world far behind
there are new heights to climb
And a new place in me you will find.
Take my houses and land
change my dreams and all my plans
for I’m placing my whole life in your hands
Let the disappointments come
Lonely days without the sun
If through sorrow more like you I become.
Take the dearest things from me
if that’s how it must be
to draw me closer to thee.
And if you call me today to a land far away
If through sorrow more like you I become.
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you Lord
That’s what I’ll be willing to do
For whatever it takes to be more like you
That’s what I’ll be willing to do
I’ll trade sunshine for rain comfort for pain
Oh that’s what I’ll be willing to do
For whatever it takes, for my will to break
Oh that’s what I’ll be willing to do.
I’m willing, LORD. If it means being closer to you, then I ‘m willing.
I took a blogging break for these past 2 years to heal myself and focus on more important things than blogging– mainly my husband and kids. However, lately I have been wanting to write more–to tell parts of my story again. So, here I am back. Looking forward to sharing my heart with you and any other craziness that will certainly come up.
Isn’t our God amazing!!!! Incredible. Awesome. Our God uses both the extreme drought of trails and the rainy season of healing in our lives to form us into his image. I love my Savior more each day.
So, our plan to avoid anything negative is this pregnancy flopped really early on! Started feeling sick at 3.5 weeks and I’ve had 3 days since then that I’ve felt “better”. We’re almost 13 weeks and most days I feel like crap!
I have to say right now that this post is probably going to be uncensored because I have a lot of feelings rolling around in me that Ijust need to verbalize and this blog is the venue of choice.
Had another melt down last night. I hate when that happens….it always makes me feel worse and takes up all of Paul’s work time (since he sits and listens to me blubber on and on). I think I just feel so many angles comeing at me and I am powerless to stop/correct/fix any of them.
I feel that round 2 of PPD is just around the corner and I can’t do anything to stop it…it’s inevitable….and that’s discouraging. I would do nearly anything to keep PPD from coming back. I just don’t know if my family can survive a second round. I tell Paul that it feels like I am being dragged down a hallway toward PPD and I am digging into the floor and walls with my nails trying to keep myself from going that way but it really is futile. I feel Like I have no choice…it’s coming. All I can do is sit here and watch it overtake our lives.
I spend the majority of my days laying on the couch because if I get up I have to throw up. I am tired all the time, I gag constantly, and I have migraines about 2-3 times per week. When I do throw up sometimes it is so violent that I feel like my face is disconnecting from my head. I often check afterward for whether I have broken any blood vessels in my face or eyes…sure feels like I do! When this happens I often wet myself as well and have to get cleaned up and clothes changed afterward. I hate life like this.
My first pregnancy I threw up so much that I got acupuncture done to try and stop it. Sickness lasted 5 months even with the treatment. Even when I was puking though I still felt alright in between…I was even working at an office job up until she was born. With my second I felt “yucky” for 6 months but only threw up 2 times and although tired still handled the house and kids normally. This time around I have been out for the count.
I feel guilty a lot of the time because my 3 year old gets breakfast and lunch for herself and her 2 year old brother. She also takes care of me all day getting me whatever I need. This is not what I want for my daughter. Or my son. I want to be their mommy and take care of, nurture, teach, and train them. Instead, my daughter is taking care of us all and I watch them becoming more and more disobedient as the days pass because I am not feeling well enough to get up and deal with their behavior.
As if my failure as a mother isn’t enough there is also my failure as a wife. Paul pretty much takes care of all the “around the house” jobs that I would normally be responsible for…along with a highly stressful job right now…and trying to start and maintain a new business. He has pretty much dropped all his free lance work and is down to only what is necessary, but it is still causing him to give about 180%. He is exhausted all the time. He can’t read books to the kids before bed because he falls asleep in the chair halfway through the book. He feels badly for not being able to do more with the kids without falling asleep. I know the problem…he’s single parenting right now. He works his job, comes home to fix supper, clean up the house/dishes, do some laundry, read to the kids and put them to bed, feed the animals, back to working some more (while trying to keep his eyes open). I know the solution is me being well enough to pick up some of the responsibility load. I feel like a parasite sucking the life out of my dear husband and giving nothing significant back.
I feel like I would choose to go back and not get pregnant. This also makes me feel guilty because I know plenty of women out there who want desperately to be pregnant. I just ask that they not judge me for my feelings. I will not judge the woman who has had pregnancies and was never sick and can’t understand how all this would feel. I just ask those women who think they would switch places with me to not judge me for currently not wanting what I have. Deep inside I am happy there is a little life growing, but I haven’t had a chance to think about this pregnancy in a positive light yet since all I do is focus on getting through each day and trying not to throw up. It is not unlike having the flu for 3 months straight. Am I going to puke or not puke, should I try to eat or not eat, walking to the other side of the house seems to take so much energy, and generally feel as though I have been run over by a large truck. I want to go back and not get pregnant. I want to not subject myself or my family to this exquisite torture.
Because this pregnancy has been so difficult and following right on the heels of 2 years of PPD we have decided this will be our last. This makes me very sad and I wish there was something else we could do to change that. Paul and I both wanted a large family. We are both feeling saddened by the fact that that may not happen. Adoption you say, well, we had started the process a while back, but it is too expensive to continue. See, we have our babies at home with a midwife and because it is so inexpensive compared to a hospital birth, our co-operative “insurance” pays for it all.
Both my other pregnancies this lasted about 11 weeks then lessened to feeling generally “unsettled” until the beginning of the 3rd trimester. This time we aren’t following the pattern. I feel like my body got so screwed up somehow (same hormonal issues that caused PPD) that I am irreparable!
Summary:
Disappointed that I am failing as a mom and wife
Guilty about being a parasite to my husband
Frustrated about neglecting my husband, kids and responsibilities
Sad about losing our dream of a large family
Nervous about getting PPD again/worse
Upset at myself for not being more positive about it all
Angry at God for not “taking this from us” when I know he could
Guilty & sad that I don’t have more faith in God’s perfect plan right now
I think I need to go and write my list of things to be thankful for…whether I want to or not!
How do I make everything fit into my life that I want to accomplish? How do I fit it all into my daily schedule?
I am having a lot of trouble fitting devo time and exercise into my day. I get up with the kids at 6:30 (if I get up earlier my days are worse because I am tired–we tried that) so mornings are out. That leaves naptime and evening. I really don’t like exercising before I go to bed because I have found I don’t rest as well. So…naptime it is….however, my kids are VERY light sleepers and one sleeps upstairs where my computer is (to use DVDs) and the other sleeps downstairs in the room next to the treadmill!
AAAHHHHH!
There is the slight possibility that I could use the treadmill just as soon as I lay Alia down and then she would sort of fall asleep to the sound and it may not cause a problem….I guess I will try that. Ok. So, it’s not great, but its a plan at least.
What about devos?
This one is harder. Maybe after exercise and shower…then devos? I guess I could try that as well.
However, you notice that all this new addition is during the afternoon naptime, right? The 1 1/2 hours that I usually get the “chores” of the day done are now taken up with my new plan. What about the chores? When do the laundry and meal prep and bills and phone calls and gardening get done? One would say…”during your morning; have the children do them with you.” This is a beautiful plan that just doesn’t work in reality. At this point in life, I know training/disciplining the kids comes first and I do have them do a lot along with me (although it causes much stress), but there are still certain jobs that require only one set of hands and relative organization. When do those get done?
The evening? I should do those chores between the kids 8:30 bedtime and my 10:00 one. Ok, I can, but then I pose a very selfish but personal question that I feel is important for my emotional health…when do I get time to relax? When do I unwind? When do I get a few moments to myself? And what about my husband? I want to give him some time too.
How do I fit it all into my day? How do I get everything accomplished that I want to accomplish?
I am having trouble figuring this one out. Constructive suggestions welcome!
Days are still up and down. I had a really bad day last weekend. Caused us to cancel our plans for the 4th. That was a bummer. But, retrospectively, I am thankful that Paul decided to cancel and stay home because I needed a day to just chill and be together. He is still trying to do what is best for me…even after all this time. Sometimes I wonder if I would be as constant if I were in his shoes….he’s really amazing!
Anyway, I am trying to plan for the rest of the summer. The garden is coming on in full force and I don’t feel capable of keeping up with weeding, putting up all the produce that is headed our way, and managing the kids. It was suggested to me to work in the garden during naps and can after they go to bed. Whew! When is a girl supposed to sleep?
So, I am trying to make a new plan for getting it all done. It is in the beginning stages but that is what I have set my mind to. We’ll see how it come out! As I plan…anyone have any suggestions that work for them? How to balance 2 very active kids (that often seem like twins) with canning and keeping up a 1/2 acre garden? I’d love to hear them!
WARNING: I am having a bad day, so if you are having a good one you may not want to read this!
Do you ever feel like you are your own worst enemy? That you are your biggest problem?
That’s how I feel today. My kids are having a really tough time with behavior today. Alia used to be a biter. We worked really hard to train that out of her. However, her brother picked it up before she stopped. So, now Josiah has been biting when Alia frustrates him (which is pretty often). After 4 instances of this today (once Saturday and 2-3 times last Friday) I was EXTREMELY frustrated with my children to put it nicely. Then, to top it off, they got into another bout of fighting and Alia reverted about 9 months and laid a really good one on her brother so they have matching teeth sets in each others arms. I find myself so angry at them. I feel like everything I say to them all day long and all the teaching and training I do it pointless because they can’t hear me talking. Like I am invisible or something.
Anyway, upon seeking some advice I was told that they are acting out the frustration they sense coming from me.
So, it’s my fault. Ok, logical, maybe. But even more frustrating to me to hear that because I feel there is nothing I can do to fix it. I do not feel that I was exhibiting an abnormal amount of frustration than the situation warranted, but I am supposed to be the adult that stays calm in all situations and doesn’t ever lose her cool when dealing with the kids. Because I fail at that Proverbs 31 thing and can’t retain my sweet, patient demeanor in all circumstances, I am screwing up my kids and failing at teaching them good behavior. That in itself feels overwhelming.
I later journaled this at the peak of my frustration…..
“Yet again, if I wasn’t here my kids would be good, well-adjusted, low-stress kids but by being present I make them horrible, naughty, mean, violent, stressed-out little hellions!”
I feel cursed to remain judged the rest of my days by “the measure of PPD“. That if I had called for advice in the exact same situation but did not have PPD this past 1.5 years I might have been taken more seriously? Would tough situations be seen as tough situations instead of “things she just can’t handle”?
I feel as though I have lost all credibility as an intelligent and competent adult. How does one get that back after PPD?
Read a little something today that I appreciated because it was a really good reminder. I often have nagging thoughts (mostly on bad days) about whether or not the kids would be better off being raised by someone else.
Just thought I would share. Maybe they would also be encouraging to you or someone you love.
———
Eagerly I’ve asked God to take charge of my children. Out of fear that I might “ruin” them, I hand them over to him.
But as I give my children to God, I often hear him ask, “Do you really trust me with your children? Do you trust me to get them to school safely?”
“Yes!” I respond.
“Do you believe I can guide them through an illness?”
“Of course!”
“How about deciding if they will marry–and who?”
“Better then I!” I say.
“Then do you trust me to select the very best mother for your children and for who I want them to become?”
We can be the mothers our children need because God divinely chose us for the job. Don’t doubt it. He knows what he is doing. And aren’t we glad!
God’s Words for Life for Moms copyright 2000 by Zondervan, page 43.
Mom took Si today so I had the day alone with Alia. It was nice. I wanted to do the same things I did last week with Si (no chores, just whatever fun things they wanted to do.). Alia’s choices were somewhat surprising to me. We checked on all the animals and played with the kittens for a while (no surprise there!) and then spent the rest of the morning playing My Little Pony!
WHAT?!?!?!
My girl who seems to have 2 speeds, running and sleeping, wanted to sit on the living room floor all morning and play with tiny parts, shoes, bottles, hair ties, brushes, etc???
Did I mention that when we were out checking on all the animals she wanted to literally run from one to the next….”C’mon, mom, let’s run!”.
I don’t get it! I’ll take it, but I don’t get it.
So, ponies it was and then after lunch more ponies until we had to leave to go get our bulk food order. Again, we get out of the car…”c’mon, mom, let’s run again!”
It was a fun day, but I am thankful that most of the time I am holding Si’s hand and can’t run everywhere…heaven help me when he gets a little bigger and joins her mantra! At least I’ll get in better shape!
So, I feel some guilt over not posting for a very long time. I have recently made it a priority to write every day…be it in a journal, a personal letter or email to someone, or on a blog. I want to write more but feel seriously unqualified to write well or often enough.
I look back with sadness at how much has happened in the past year and thing how wonderful it would have been to get my thoughts down every couple days or so. To see the changes and be able to look back at them and see how far we’ve come. However, it didn’t happen and it is the past now.
So, today, I am just writing. Writing for the sake of getting started again. Maybe for a significant period of time or maybe for a short while…I don’t know. I am not even sure that the thoughts I am typing out right now make any sense to me let alone anyone else.
It’s Monday, typically a hard day here. First day back to the routine without Daddy (which is a big bummer for the kids and I think an even bigger bummer for me!) and back to Mommy being the only disciplinarian (there’s so much that gets missed when only one set of eyes is watching).
This specific Monday hasn’t been as bad as most though. Kids played nicely together for approx. 20 minutes (probably a new record) this morning with only one minor injury. I have accomplished almost everything I set out to do today (my list was small on purpose) and am feeling quite productive. For a Monday.
I guess my frustration today stems from how I feel inside rather than any outside circumstances. I talked with Paul last night about feeling stuck in this routine and its monotony and not wanting to go to bed because it meant waking up in the morning (a Monday…ugga.). I desperately want to feel happy and excited for each new day and delighted to be spending them with my two lively and very adorable children. Instead, as I told Paul, “I would rather go to work with you, sit in a corner and color in a coloring book all day.”
That’s how I feel right now and I don’t like it!
I feel like something it wrong…that I have two beautiful children who are healthy and apparently happy and I just want to go do something other then be with them. And I want this EVERY day.
So, today I am a……..94. Ok, but missing something.
I know that God has blessed me in so many ways and I know that his plan for my life is so much better than anything I could think of on my own. So, I don’t question the “why me” anymore. I get that part. I just can’t seem to figure out what it is that I haven’t learned yet so I can be done with this lesson. It’s getting a little tiresome and I miss my old self.
I sit down to nurse my daughter before bed…always a welcome and relaxing time of day. Tonight I pick up a copy of Countryside Magazine that I just hadn’t gotten to yet. There on page 25 of the May/June 2009 issue is the article I had written about my homebirth experience. Wow, that was a shot in the arm! They printed it! Yes, I understand it’s in a backwoods, unrecognized, small time magazine, but they’re my words in black and white! And people all over the world read it!
So, here I sit, with a grin on my face, pondering my birth experiences again. Although a lot of things contributed to my getting PPD…my homebirth experiences weren’t part of it at all! I love every memory from my kids births and have only good thoughts and feeling associated with bringing my kiddos into this world. My PPD seems to be less severe than most other women’s that I have met. I attribute this fact to a number of things, but one of them is my choice for homebirth. I had 2 beautiful experiences and I actually look forward to the next time I get pregnant–not because I want to feel like throwing up for half a year, but because I am addicted to the birth experience!
I have trouble relating to friends who have had difficult deliveries due to hospital rules grumpy doctors. I just want to yell, “Oh, please have your next baby at home and experience all that God truely meant that process to be!” Peaceful, calm, quiet, and comfortable. With a mom feeling strong, capable, empowered, and womanly. “Oh, you’re missing out on so much!” I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to birth my babies at home! I just want to share that same feeling with every other mom out there! Maybe this article is the beginning….
My day started out really rocky and I was feeling quite down but getting published was a really nice surprise at the end of the day! Thank you, Jesus!
Becky Kortman : Hey CBS Ladies! Kristy Vanderwall had a baby boy today! His name is Matthew. 10 lb 5 oz!!! Congrats Vanderwalls & Welcome Matthew!
(Wed Jan 25, 3:54 am).
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