Missing Something

So, I feel some guilt over not posting for a very long time. I have recently made it a priority to write every day…be it in a journal, a personal letter or email to someone, or on a blog. I want to write more but feel seriously unqualified to write well or often enough.

I look back with sadness at how much has happened in the past year and thing how wonderful it would have been to get my thoughts down every couple days or so. To see the changes and be able to look back at them and see how far we’ve come. However, it didn’t happen and it is the past now.

So, today, I am just writing. Writing for the sake of getting started again. Maybe for a significant period of time or maybe for a short while…I don’t know. I am not even sure that the thoughts I am typing out right now make any sense to me let alone anyone else.

It’s Monday, typically a hard day here. First day back to the routine without Daddy (which is a big bummer for the kids and I think an even bigger bummer for me!) and back to Mommy being the only disciplinarian (there’s so much that gets missed when only one set of eyes is watching).

This specific Monday hasn’t been as bad as most though. Kids played nicely together for approx. 20 minutes (probably a new record) this morning with only one minor injury. I have accomplished almost everything I set out to do today (my list was small on purpose) and am feeling quite productive. For a Monday.

I guess my frustration today stems from how I feel inside rather than any outside circumstances. I talked with Paul last night about feeling stuck in this routine and its monotony and not wanting to go to bed because it meant waking up in the morning (a Monday…ugga.). I desperately want to feel happy and excited for each new day and delighted to be spending them with my two lively and very adorable children. Instead, as I told Paul, “I would rather go to work with you, sit in a corner and color in a coloring book all day.”

That’s how I feel right now and I don’t like it!

I feel like something it wrong…that I have two beautiful children who are healthy and apparently happy and I just want to go do something other then be with them. And I want this EVERY day.

So, today I am a……..94. Ok, but missing something.

I know that God has blessed me in so many ways and I know that his plan for my life is so much better than anything I could think of on my own. So, I don’t question the “why me” anymore. I get that part. I just can’t seem to figure out what it is that I haven’t learned yet so I can be done with this lesson. It’s getting a little tiresome and I miss my old self.