Credibility

WARNING: I am having a bad day, so if you are having a good one you may not want to read this!

Do you ever feel like you are your own worst enemy? That you are your biggest problem?

That’s how I feel today. My kids are having a really tough time with behavior today. Alia used to be a biter. We worked really hard to train that out of her. However, her brother picked it up before she stopped. So, now Josiah has been biting when Alia frustrates him (which is pretty often). After 4 instances of this today (once Saturday and 2-3 times last Friday) I was EXTREMELY frustrated with my children to put it nicely. Then, to top it off, they got into another bout of fighting and Alia reverted about 9 months and laid a really good one on her brother so they have matching teeth sets in each others arms. I find myself so angry at them. I feel like everything I say to them all day long and all the teaching and training I do it pointless because they can’t hear me talking. Like I am invisible or something.

Anyway, upon seeking some advice I was told that they are acting out the frustration they sense coming from me.

So, it’s my fault. Ok, logical, maybe. But even more frustrating to me to hear that because I feel there is nothing I can do to fix it. I do not feel that I was exhibiting an abnormal amount of frustration than the situation warranted, but I am supposed to be the adult that stays calm in all situations and doesn’t ever lose her cool when dealing with the kids. Because I fail at that Proverbs 31 thing and can’t retain my sweet, patient demeanor in all circumstances, I am screwing up my kids and failing at teaching them good behavior. That in itself feels overwhelming.

I later journaled this at the peak of my frustration…..

“Yet again, if I wasn’t here my kids would be good, well-adjusted, low-stress kids but by being present I make them horrible, naughty, mean, violent, stressed-out little hellions!”

I feel cursed to remain judged the rest of my days by “the measure of PPD“. That if I had called for advice in the exact same situation but did not have PPD this past 1.5 years I might have been taken more seriously? Would tough situations be seen as tough situations instead of “things she just can’t handle”?

I feel as though I have lost all credibility as an intelligent and competent adult. How does one get that back after PPD?