Feelings

So, our plan to avoid anything negative is this pregnancy flopped really early on! Started feeling sick at 3.5 weeks and I’ve had 3 days since then that I’ve felt “better”. We’re almost 13 weeks and most days I feel like crap!

I have to say right now that this post is probably going to be uncensored because I have a lot of feelings rolling around in me that Ijust need to verbalize and this blog is the venue of choice.

Had another melt down last night. I hate when that happens….it always makes me feel worse and takes up all of Paul’s work time (since he sits and listens to me blubber on and on). I think I just feel so many angles comeing at me and I am powerless to stop/correct/fix any of them.

I feel that round 2 of PPD is just around the corner and I can’t do anything to stop it…it’s inevitable….and that’s discouraging. I would do nearly anything to keep PPD from coming back. I just don’t know if my family can survive a second round. I tell Paul that it feels like I am being dragged down a hallway toward PPD and I am digging into the floor and walls with my nails trying to keep myself from going that way but it really is futile. I feel Like I have no choice…it’s coming. All I can do is sit here and watch it overtake our lives.

I spend the majority of my days laying on the couch because if I get up I have to throw up. I am tired all the time, I gag constantly, and I have migraines about 2-3 times per week. When I do throw up sometimes it is so violent that I feel like my face is disconnecting from my head. I often check afterward for whether I have broken any blood vessels in my face or eyes…sure feels like I do! When this happens I often wet myself as well and have to get cleaned up and clothes changed afterward. I hate life like this.

My first pregnancy I threw up so much that I got acupuncture done to try and stop it. Sickness lasted 5 months even with the treatment. Even when I was puking though I still felt alright in between…I was even working at an office job up until she was born. With my second I felt “yucky” for 6 months but only threw up 2 times and although tired still handled the house and kids normally. This time around I have been out for the count.

I feel guilty a lot of the time because my 3 year old gets breakfast and lunch for herself and her 2 year old brother. She also takes care of me all day getting me whatever I need. This is not what I want for my daughter. Or my son. I want to be their mommy and take care of, nurture, teach, and train them. Instead, my daughter is taking care of us all and I watch them becoming more and more disobedient as the days pass because I am not feeling well enough to get up and deal with their behavior.

As if my failure as a mother isn’t enough there is also my failure as a wife. Paul pretty much takes care of all the “around the house” jobs that I would normally be responsible for…along with a highly stressful job right now…and trying to start and maintain a new business. He has pretty much dropped all his free lance work and is down to only what is necessary, but it is still causing him to give about 180%. He is exhausted all the time. He can’t read books to the kids before bed because he falls asleep in the chair halfway through the book. He feels badly for not being able to do more with the kids without falling asleep. I know the problem…he’s single parenting right now. He works his job, comes home to fix supper, clean up the house/dishes, do some laundry, read to the kids and put them to bed, feed the animals, back to working some more (while trying to keep his eyes open). I know the solution is me being well enough to pick up some of the responsibility load. I feel like a parasite sucking the life out of my dear husband and giving nothing significant back.

I feel like I would choose to go back and not get pregnant. This also makes me feel guilty because I know plenty of women out there who want desperately to be pregnant. I just ask that they not judge me for my feelings. I will not judge the woman who has had pregnancies and was never sick and can’t understand how all this would feel. I just ask those women who think they would switch places with me to not judge me for currently not wanting what I have. Deep inside I am happy there is a little life growing, but I haven’t had a chance to think about this pregnancy in a positive light yet since all I do is focus on getting through each day and trying not to throw up. It is not unlike having the flu for 3 months straight. Am I going to puke or not puke, should I try to eat or not eat, walking to the other side of the house seems to take so much energy, and generally feel as though I have been run over by a large truck. I want to go back and not get pregnant. I want to not subject myself or my family to this exquisite torture.

Because this pregnancy has been so difficult and following right on the heels of 2 years of PPD we have decided this will be our last. This makes me very sad and I wish there was something else we could do to change that. Paul and I both wanted a large family. We are both feeling saddened by the fact that that may not happen. Adoption you say, well, we had started the process a while back, but it is too expensive to continue. See, we have our babies at home with a midwife and because it is so inexpensive compared to a hospital birth, our co-operative “insurance” pays for it all.

Both my other pregnancies this lasted about 11 weeks then lessened to feeling generally “unsettled” until the beginning of the 3rd trimester. This time we aren’t following the pattern. I feel like my body got so screwed up somehow (same hormonal issues that caused PPD) that I am irreparable!

Summary:
Disappointed that I am failing as a mom and wife
Guilty about being a parasite to my husband
Frustrated about neglecting my husband, kids and responsibilities
Sad about losing our dream of a large family
Nervous about getting PPD again/worse
Upset at myself for not being more positive about it all
Angry at God for not “taking this from us” when I know he could
Guilty & sad that I don’t have more faith in God’s perfect plan right now

I think I need to go and write my list of things to be thankful for…whether I want to or not!