I have been thinking a lot lately about our family’s story.  This chapter isn’t turning out at all like I had suspected the script was written.

Crying, lots of crying.  That’s what’s going on at the Kortman house these days.  And Zan crys quite often too! 🙂

‘Little Z’  is six weeks old and we still haven’t hit our stride in finding a routine and helping him feel settled.  I feel a loss of confidence directly related to not being able to help him figure it out.  We discovered after 5 weeks of unsuccessfully trying to increase my milk supply that Zander had a tongue tie causing him to not be able to suckle properly (which impedes good milk production).  Once we got that taken care of we were hopeful that things would improve.  Honestly, they have but only by a very small margin.

Is he colicky?  Well, yes, he spends almost all of his waking moments crying, but we are able to soothe him occasionally so maybe it’s not colic.

I have eliminated dairy from my diet and after 4 days we see no change at all yet.  Since we decided to try this dairy elimination, that means not supplementing with my friend’s breast milk.  So we are once again left wondering if he is getting enough milk or if he is hungry all the time.  Not making adequate milk is a direct cause of my feelings of failure to provide what this baby needs.  Bottle feed, you say??  Well, every time we give him a bottle he chokes and gags so terribly.  We feel awful every time we give him a bottle.  He must feel like he is drowning–even with the premie bottle nipples we got.  After a bottle there is so much air caught inside that he is crying in pain and burping and spitting up for the next 30 minutes.

Not having enough milk to fill up Z’s tummy means fitful sleep at night.  He wakes up about every 20 minutes to nurse and then acts like he doesn’t want it at first (I wonder if he knows there is not much there and so he is frustrated about it before he even starts).  There is more crying and then finally nursing and back to sleep for 10 minutes then fussing/self-burp and back to sleep for 15 minutes (if we burp him right away he won’t go back to sleep).  It’s an ugly cycle.

All this is a constant weight on my mind.  I am always thinking of what the causes might be so I can try to fix them.   Does he have emotional issues about the adoption we need to address?  Is he uncomfortable from not pooping regularly?  Is he overtired because the kids came in from outdoors and they woke him up too soon?  Am I not giving him enough attention?  Why aren’t I making more milk??–surely, if I could just do that most of our problems would be corrected, right?!?! What am I missing that could help fix all this?

As the weeks wear on, I am finding them taking their toll on not only my emotions but also my relationships with my husband and the children.  Despite my best efforts to keep this difficult situation separate from the rest of our reality–I fail.  I get upset or impatient with the kids, I feel resentful of Paul’s quantity of sleep and time spent undistracted working in his quiet office or I simply wish this time away.  I know all of these are wrong but that doesn’t make them any less real.  I need some time alone with Paul to forget about all the ‘things’ that need to be figured out.

So, this is all just a part of the story.  A chapter in the story of our family.  I believe the ending will be wonderful and dramatic but for now the script is just a bit rough.  The goal is to have a good attitude and a faithful heart throughout so that the rough chapter leads to a sweet story which in time leaves a beautiful legacy.