Days are still up and down. I had a really bad day last weekend. Caused us to cancel our plans for the 4th. That was a bummer. But, retrospectively, I am thankful that Paul decided to cancel and stay home because I needed a day to just chill and be together. He is still trying to do what is best for me…even after all this time. Sometimes I wonder if I would be as constant if I were in his shoes….he’s really amazing!

Anyway, I am trying to plan for the rest of the summer. The garden is coming on in full force and I don’t feel capable of keeping up with weeding, putting up all the produce that is headed our way, and managing the kids. It was suggested to me to work in the garden during naps and can after they go to bed. Whew! When is a girl supposed to sleep?

So, I am trying to make a new plan for getting it all done. It is in the beginning stages but that is what I have set my mind to. We’ll see how it come out! As I plan…anyone have any suggestions that work for them? How to balance 2 very active kids (that often seem like twins) with canning and keeping up a 1/2 acre garden? I’d love to hear them!

WARNING: I am having a bad day, so if you are having a good one you may not want to read this!

Do you ever feel like you are your own worst enemy? That you are your biggest problem?

That’s how I feel today. My kids are having a really tough time with behavior today. Alia used to be a biter. We worked really hard to train that out of her. However, her brother picked it up before she stopped. So, now Josiah has been biting when Alia frustrates him (which is pretty often). After 4 instances of this today (once Saturday and 2-3 times last Friday) I was EXTREMELY frustrated with my children to put it nicely. Then, to top it off, they got into another bout of fighting and Alia reverted about 9 months and laid a really good one on her brother so they have matching teeth sets in each others arms. I find myself so angry at them. I feel like everything I say to them all day long and all the teaching and training I do it pointless because they can’t hear me talking. Like I am invisible or something.

Anyway, upon seeking some advice I was told that they are acting out the frustration they sense coming from me.

So, it’s my fault. Ok, logical, maybe. But even more frustrating to me to hear that because I feel there is nothing I can do to fix it. I do not feel that I was exhibiting an abnormal amount of frustration than the situation warranted, but I am supposed to be the adult that stays calm in all situations and doesn’t ever lose her cool when dealing with the kids. Because I fail at that Proverbs 31 thing and can’t retain my sweet, patient demeanor in all circumstances, I am screwing up my kids and failing at teaching them good behavior. That in itself feels overwhelming.

I later journaled this at the peak of my frustration…..

“Yet again, if I wasn’t here my kids would be good, well-adjusted, low-stress kids but by being present I make them horrible, naughty, mean, violent, stressed-out little hellions!”

I feel cursed to remain judged the rest of my days by “the measure of PPD“. That if I had called for advice in the exact same situation but did not have PPD this past 1.5 years I might have been taken more seriously? Would tough situations be seen as tough situations instead of “things she just can’t handle”?

I feel as though I have lost all credibility as an intelligent and competent adult. How does one get that back after PPD?

Read a little something today that I appreciated because it was a really good reminder. I often have nagging thoughts (mostly on bad days) about whether or not the kids would be better off being raised by someone else.
Just thought I would share. Maybe they would also be encouraging to you or someone you love.

———
Eagerly I’ve asked God to take charge of my children. Out of fear that I might “ruin” them, I hand them over to him.

But as I give my children to God, I often hear him ask, “Do you really trust me with your children? Do you trust me to get them to school safely?”

“Yes!” I respond.

“Do you believe I can guide them through an illness?”

“Of course!”

“How about deciding if they will marry–and who?”

“Better then I!” I say.

“Then do you trust me to select the very best mother for your children and for who I want them to become?”

We can be the mothers our children need because God divinely chose us for the job. Don’t doubt it. He knows what he is doing. And aren’t we glad!

God’s Words for Life for Moms copyright 2000 by Zondervan, page 43.

Mom took Si today so I had the day alone with Alia. It was nice. I wanted to do the same things I did last week with Si (no chores, just whatever fun things they wanted to do.). Alia’s choices were somewhat surprising to me. We checked on all the animals and played with the kittens for a while (no surprise there!) and then spent the rest of the morning playing My Little Pony!

WHAT?!?!?!

My girl who seems to have 2 speeds, running and sleeping, wanted to sit on the living room floor all morning and play with tiny parts, shoes, bottles, hair ties, brushes, etc???

Did I mention that when we were out checking on all the animals she wanted to literally run from one to the next….”C’mon, mom, let’s run!”.

I don’t get it! I’ll take it, but I don’t get it.

So, ponies it was and then after lunch more ponies until we had to leave to go get our bulk food order. Again, we get out of the car…”c’mon, mom, let’s run again!”

It was a fun day, but I am thankful that most of the time I am holding Si’s hand and can’t run everywhere…heaven help me when he gets a little bigger and joins her mantra! At least I’ll get in better shape!

So, I feel some guilt over not posting for a very long time. I have recently made it a priority to write every day…be it in a journal, a personal letter or email to someone, or on a blog. I want to write more but feel seriously unqualified to write well or often enough.

I look back with sadness at how much has happened in the past year and thing how wonderful it would have been to get my thoughts down every couple days or so. To see the changes and be able to look back at them and see how far we’ve come. However, it didn’t happen and it is the past now.

So, today, I am just writing. Writing for the sake of getting started again. Maybe for a significant period of time or maybe for a short while…I don’t know. I am not even sure that the thoughts I am typing out right now make any sense to me let alone anyone else.

It’s Monday, typically a hard day here. First day back to the routine without Daddy (which is a big bummer for the kids and I think an even bigger bummer for me!) and back to Mommy being the only disciplinarian (there’s so much that gets missed when only one set of eyes is watching).

This specific Monday hasn’t been as bad as most though. Kids played nicely together for approx. 20 minutes (probably a new record) this morning with only one minor injury. I have accomplished almost everything I set out to do today (my list was small on purpose) and am feeling quite productive. For a Monday.

I guess my frustration today stems from how I feel inside rather than any outside circumstances. I talked with Paul last night about feeling stuck in this routine and its monotony and not wanting to go to bed because it meant waking up in the morning (a Monday…ugga.). I desperately want to feel happy and excited for each new day and delighted to be spending them with my two lively and very adorable children. Instead, as I told Paul, “I would rather go to work with you, sit in a corner and color in a coloring book all day.”

That’s how I feel right now and I don’t like it!

I feel like something it wrong…that I have two beautiful children who are healthy and apparently happy and I just want to go do something other then be with them. And I want this EVERY day.

So, today I am a……..94. Ok, but missing something.

I know that God has blessed me in so many ways and I know that his plan for my life is so much better than anything I could think of on my own. So, I don’t question the “why me” anymore. I get that part. I just can’t seem to figure out what it is that I haven’t learned yet so I can be done with this lesson. It’s getting a little tiresome and I miss my old self.

I sit down to nurse my daughter before bed…always a welcome and relaxing time of day. Tonight I pick up a copy of Countryside Magazine that I just hadn’t gotten to yet. There on page 25 of the May/June 2009 issue is the article I had written about my homebirth experience. Wow, that was a shot in the arm! They printed it! Yes, I understand it’s in a backwoods, unrecognized, small time magazine, but they’re my words in black and white! And people all over the world read it!

So, here I sit, with a grin on my face, pondering my birth experiences again. Although a lot of things contributed to my getting PPD…my homebirth experiences weren’t part of it at all! I love every memory from my kids births and have only good thoughts and feeling associated with bringing my kiddos into this world. My PPD seems to be less severe than most other women’s that I have met. I attribute this fact to a number of things, but one of them is my choice for homebirth. I had 2 beautiful experiences and I actually look forward to the next time I get pregnant–not because I want to feel like throwing up for half a year, but because I am addicted to the birth experience!

I have trouble relating to friends who have had difficult deliveries due to hospital rules grumpy doctors. I just want to yell, “Oh, please have your next baby at home and experience all that God truely meant that process to be!” Peaceful, calm, quiet, and comfortable. With a mom feeling strong, capable, empowered, and womanly. “Oh, you’re missing out on so much!” I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to birth my babies at home! I just want to share that same feeling with every other mom out there! Maybe this article is the beginning….

My day started out really rocky and I was feeling quite down but getting published was a really nice surprise at the end of the day! Thank you, Jesus!

HELP! Does anyone have a step-grandparent that can give me tips on how to work through feelings that come with adding that person into the family?

This transition has been emotionally hard for my family and now that we know that they plan to be married in less than 2 weeks…well…it just got harder.

Problem #1: Grandma has only been gone 7 months and Grandpa started corresponding with this woman less than a month after Grandma passed away. It feels like we haven’t had the time to mourn Grandma yet because we have had to put our minds to accepting this other woman.

Problem #2: Grandpa has been very dishonorable when it come to Grandma’s memory and said and done some very upsetting things.

Problem #3: Whenever this woman comes to town she lives with Grandpa.

Problem #4: We have never been able to get a straight answer from her as to whether or not she is indeed a Christian. Maybe in word, but not in deed. Maybe she is but shows no fruit…does that count? Becoming a Presbyterian 20 years ago doesn’t mean you have Jesus in your heart…know what I mean?

Anyway, It’s just a really hard situation that has many more facets than I am outlining above. I am just looking for some sound advice.

I am planning to sit down with her the next time she is in town and have a very candid conversation with her about my feelings and let her know that I don’t dislike her, but circumstances have made it difficult for me to feel good about her entry into/presence in my life.

Any advice?

These late summer months have come upon us so fast and furious that I feel we almost haven’t breathed for a month or so. Canning, freezing, child rearing, marriage building, farm maintenance, animal emergencies, house remodeling, and trying hard to fit in some fun here and there has been the order of the past weeks.

We have gotten peaches and some tomatoes canned and in the basement. Alia seems to have gotten past what we hope was the worst of the behavior issues (for now). Si is very mobile which presents its own set of challenges. Paul and I have been getting away from the kids weekly (thanks to my cousin and a couple from our church) to spend some seriously needed time reconnecting. The chick coop got built and the skunk eventually got removed and dispatched (if ya know what I mean) but not until he had killed a total of 10 chicks. Almost 2 rooms are updated (trim of two windows in the kitchen to finish painting yet)–pictures to come. And somewhere in there we found a day to go to the beach together–much needed and very fun!

I have recently been spending some time reflecting on the past couple months and Paul and I had a discussion about it yesterday. Here are some highlights from that discussion and my reflections:

I am feeling better (finally)! I feel like we turned a corner somewhere about Josiah turning 8 months old. Just felt like there were more days that were “okay” and fewer that were “bad”. Two months later I feel that we actually have parts of days that are actually pretty good…which is so far removed from the way I was feeling last spring that I am blown away.

I attribute this to a couple factors:
First, I met (just once so far) with a woman (mother of 7) from our church who has had PPD following the births of each of her daughters (4). It was unbelievably encouraging to talk with her and listen to her stories and ask some of the things that have been rattling around in my brain for months unanswered. God used the one evening I spent with this woman of God to propel my journey down the road of healing with amazing accuracy and speed. I think more clearly, am more focused, and trust God more wholly than I have in a very long time.

Thank you, C, for being broken, honest, and real–for your insights and thoughts and willingness to let me see into your world. Most of all, thank you for being willing to “get dirty” when others are hurting despite your own challenges…I am asking God to give me the same heart of others and strength to do the same.

A few of the things we talked about that may seem elementary to some of you but were monumentally helpful to me were:
1. The difference between a “PPD day” and a “I have 2 kids and its a challenge day”–There was actually a specific something that I can now recognize that helps me to get through the PPD days without so much frustration.
2. God, God, God, God, God. Turn there for every moment. Frustrated, pray aloud right then. Overwhelmed, pray aloud right then. Angry, pray aloud right then. This reminder has really helped me to stay focused all day and as a bonus it helps my kids to see me leaning on God throughout my day too.
3. The desire to have a big family doesn’t have to be put on hold until you are “better”. Instead, follow God’s leading for your family plan despite people who may look at you as irresponsible for “having another while you are still ‘struggling’”. God doesn’t look for perfect woman to be moms, he looks for woman who are seeking to teach their children to love and live for him–while they are broken and relying on him for their strength.

The second factor that I feel has contributed to the healing that I am experiencing is my husband’s listening ear and discerning ways. My stint (6 weeks) in counseling produced only 2 ideas that helped us to be able to move forward in any way. So, after deciding to stop going to the sessions, Paul and I began talking through these two things and other ideas that came up during the discussion. At one point I mentioned, “We are really making headway here…why aren’t I paying you to talk this stuff through?!” Anyway, we came up with some good ideas for changing the things that were so frustrating/upsetting/causing problems for me. We implemented them, altered them, and worked them into our schedule. Weeks later, they have been a wonderful aid in not only easing some of my negative feelings but also in helping Paul to better understand the connection between circumstances/happenings of the day and my feelings (specifically on PPD days).

The third and certainly not least of the things I feel have been important in me feeling better are the prayers of those who care about me and our family. I may not even know who all of you are….but you know and God knows. Thank you…so very much! Prayer is powerful….even when (and maybe especially when) I didn’t feel like prayer was working at all.

So, as I am learning, I may never really be done with PPD, but I do believe it is getting better.

As soon as I get a chance to get some pics uploaded for the rooms we have painted I will post them and I could really use a little advice about the future of the kids bedroom as well! Stay tuned.