These late summer months have come upon us so fast and furious that I feel we almost haven’t breathed for a month or so. Canning, freezing, child rearing, marriage building, farm maintenance, animal emergencies, house remodeling, and trying hard to fit in some fun here and there has been the order of the past weeks.

We have gotten peaches and some tomatoes canned and in the basement. Alia seems to have gotten past what we hope was the worst of the behavior issues (for now). Si is very mobile which presents its own set of challenges. Paul and I have been getting away from the kids weekly (thanks to my cousin and a couple from our church) to spend some seriously needed time reconnecting. The chick coop got built and the skunk eventually got removed and dispatched (if ya know what I mean) but not until he had killed a total of 10 chicks. Almost 2 rooms are updated (trim of two windows in the kitchen to finish painting yet)–pictures to come. And somewhere in there we found a day to go to the beach together–much needed and very fun!

I have recently been spending some time reflecting on the past couple months and Paul and I had a discussion about it yesterday. Here are some highlights from that discussion and my reflections:

I am feeling better (finally)! I feel like we turned a corner somewhere about Josiah turning 8 months old. Just felt like there were more days that were “okay” and fewer that were “bad”. Two months later I feel that we actually have parts of days that are actually pretty good…which is so far removed from the way I was feeling last spring that I am blown away.

I attribute this to a couple factors:
First, I met (just once so far) with a woman (mother of 7) from our church who has had PPD following the births of each of her daughters (4). It was unbelievably encouraging to talk with her and listen to her stories and ask some of the things that have been rattling around in my brain for months unanswered. God used the one evening I spent with this woman of God to propel my journey down the road of healing with amazing accuracy and speed. I think more clearly, am more focused, and trust God more wholly than I have in a very long time.

Thank you, C, for being broken, honest, and real–for your insights and thoughts and willingness to let me see into your world. Most of all, thank you for being willing to “get dirty” when others are hurting despite your own challenges…I am asking God to give me the same heart of others and strength to do the same.

A few of the things we talked about that may seem elementary to some of you but were monumentally helpful to me were:
1. The difference between a “PPD day” and a “I have 2 kids and its a challenge day”–There was actually a specific something that I can now recognize that helps me to get through the PPD days without so much frustration.
2. God, God, God, God, God. Turn there for every moment. Frustrated, pray aloud right then. Overwhelmed, pray aloud right then. Angry, pray aloud right then. This reminder has really helped me to stay focused all day and as a bonus it helps my kids to see me leaning on God throughout my day too.
3. The desire to have a big family doesn’t have to be put on hold until you are “better”. Instead, follow God’s leading for your family plan despite people who may look at you as irresponsible for “having another while you are still ‘struggling’”. God doesn’t look for perfect woman to be moms, he looks for woman who are seeking to teach their children to love and live for him–while they are broken and relying on him for their strength.

The second factor that I feel has contributed to the healing that I am experiencing is my husband’s listening ear and discerning ways. My stint (6 weeks) in counseling produced only 2 ideas that helped us to be able to move forward in any way. So, after deciding to stop going to the sessions, Paul and I began talking through these two things and other ideas that came up during the discussion. At one point I mentioned, “We are really making headway here…why aren’t I paying you to talk this stuff through?!” Anyway, we came up with some good ideas for changing the things that were so frustrating/upsetting/causing problems for me. We implemented them, altered them, and worked them into our schedule. Weeks later, they have been a wonderful aid in not only easing some of my negative feelings but also in helping Paul to better understand the connection between circumstances/happenings of the day and my feelings (specifically on PPD days).

The third and certainly not least of the things I feel have been important in me feeling better are the prayers of those who care about me and our family. I may not even know who all of you are….but you know and God knows. Thank you…so very much! Prayer is powerful….even when (and maybe especially when) I didn’t feel like prayer was working at all.

So, as I am learning, I may never really be done with PPD, but I do believe it is getting better.

As soon as I get a chance to get some pics uploaded for the rooms we have painted I will post them and I could really use a little advice about the future of the kids bedroom as well! Stay tuned.

What do you do when you are afraid you don’t even like your child anymore?

Last night Paul and I put the finishing touches on the room that we started with for the years-long remodel. Looked pretty great in my opinion. I was so thankful to have the work done….weeks was longer than I had anticipated to get it all accomplished.

Then this morn it took one phone call for Alia to get the idea to go draw all over the newly painted wall. I didn’t discover it until I went into the room about 20 minutes later.

I am just so tired of the constant disobedience. Will there ever be a day when I can just enjoy her rather than spend the whole day disciplining?

Yeah, ok, so she’s only two and only exhibiting 2 year old behavior….but honestly it felt personal. Like she knew that I had put so much of myself into fixing up this room and she wanted to hit me where it would hurt most.

So, per my husband’s instructions, I sent her outside to play in the sandbox…despite the fact that it’s sprinkling out. I needed some space from her. I get angry just looking at her. Right now, I just really do not like her at all.

So, does that make me feel like a bad mom? Yes. Do I think it is just PPD that makes me feel that way? No. Does that make me worried about my ability to be a good parent to a 2-3 year old? Absolutely. Do I want to be done having kids since I apparently can’t handle raising them? No. What do I do to reconcile that inconsistency? No idea whatsoever. Does life right now feel just plain crappy? Yup. What do I do now? Go pry the plastic car out of Josiah’s mouth and haul him with me outside to go discipline Alia for not obeying and wandering away from the sandbox when she was told to stay there. It never ends. I see no light at the end of this tunnel…no matter what other people say.

So today I began with the first room in what will be a whole house remodel. We expect this to take a number of years to complete as we hope to do most of it ourselves, but I am very excited for the the results.

Since I wrote last I have been feeling pretty even-keel. #5 on a scale of 10. Not great, not terrible.

I really enjoy all the remodel stuff: planning, brainstorming, sketching out, visualizing, getting supplies, demolition, painting, designing, decisions for changes, etc. Okay, maybe not ALL of it, but overall, remodeling makes me feel good. I am happy that we are making this space our own. I am excited for it to look and feel more like me and less like my parents circa 1976.

Now, to find the balance between enjoying all the projects and not get overwhelmed by the scale of it all. Also, not to get frustrated with the kids when they want to be held or played with and all I want to do is go paint a bathroom or spackel a wall in a bedroom.

* Sorry, I wrote this post last Saturday and have never gotten back to really “finish” it as I intended. Lesson learned…just post what you have, don’t wait for later.

Friday was an okay day. We had fun with Alia at the Children’s Museum and then enjoyed Festival downtown. We had just started back to the car when it began to sprinkle! I got a bunch of errands done and we stopped by Paul’s co-worker’s place to see the new kitchen he put in himself. Even though we got a lot accomplished it wasn’t a relaxing day for me. Si cried through most of the museum (he was tired and couldn’t go to sleep with all the noise). Then I did all my errands during the storm and pouring rain…not without stress for me either.

I just felt “off” all day. Like something was out of place in life. Like I just wasn’t able to “be there” in the moment with my family….it was hard.

I got this poem on an email from my mentor today. It is written by Beth Moore and it makes me ask a lot of questions.
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I am going to use my blog for something new. Since Josiah’s birth, I have been struggling with post-pardum depression (PPD). I have decided to “take back” my personal blog to write more about my day-to-day experiences and chronicle my current journey with PPD.

I am just a stay-at-home mom of 2 (2y, 6mos) that has PPD and is trying to learn, cope, and survive, and overcome. I plan to try to write about my daily happenings and how PPD effects me and those around me…in all reality it will probably be more like a couple times a week, but I would like it to at least be regular. Comments, questions, thoughts, ideas and suggestions are encouraged and requested. I imagine that writing about my experiences will help me work through a lot of my feelings and I hope they will also help someone else out there who may be going through something similar.

Your prayers for me are also greatly appreciated.

Updates on Kortman family life can now be found at www.kortmans.com

I just finished listening to a message by John Piper entitled Spiritual Depression as he preaches from Psalm 42. Fantastic stuff! I listened to it twice…in a row.

Highlights I want to remember:
1.Want GOD more than getting better….want him so fiercely that if being with him means staying underwater, you will stay how you are now.

2.”Words for the wind”

3.Get a psalm-song of my own to sing for when hard times come.

4.You want praise Him again…so try….now.

I am going to use Psalm 42 and also 8 for my devotions in the coming weeks.

Grandma Kortman needed new photos for her house so I spent some time yesterday getting shots of the kids (in black and white) for her. I was pretty pleased with how they turned out.

I think every time a birthday is nearing we will just spend a day getting photos and I will never have to take them to a studio again….pretty easy on the pocketbook and on my stress level since I love taking pictures!

Josiah’s photos were not easy to get because he’s a pretty fussy baby. However, if you can catch the 10 minutes after he wakes up from a good nap you can see a few of the rare but beautiful jewels we call smiles! I happen to like this shot of him even though he isn’t smiling.

Here’s our boy:

Alia was also a bit difficult to get a good shot of. She began by hiding her face from the camera and then moved to hiding her whole self (note the photo on Flickr of her behind our oat roller). So, instead of trying to take pictures of her I just started to play “the camera is chasing you” and then it was fun. All along I was trying to see if I could get a few good shots. After a while she sort of forgot the camera since I had been having conversations with her and not actually trying to get her to smile and that’s when I got this one…my favorite of the day!

Here’s our girl:

I had so much fun taking pictures of my kids and learning what I needed to do to make them comfortable and open to the camera.

Please stop by FLickr to see more of the pictures we took yesterday!

Josiah is 3 months old (as of yesterday). He is a BIG GUY! He weighs almost 17 lbs and is 27″ long. He is rapidly outgrowing his 6 month clothes and has begun sprouting both of his lower front teeth already!

This guy has been going full force ever since labor began! We joke that someday he will make his million playing linebacker for the NFL and after each game he will get on camera to say, “I thank God for my skill, I love you Mom!”

Alongside his “big dude” exterior we also have a sweetie…he is a smiler who is often grinning and has begun giggling too. His “happy spot” is mom’s left shoulder!

His infant acid reflux seems to be bothering him less and less…thank you, Jesus!

Oh, and Kortman Family blogging changes are about to come your way, so stay tuned!